It’s crazy how life happens. Crazier still is when you create a blog as a means of expressing yourself, an outlet as you will. You use it faithfully every day, even if you only post a single sentence and then something happens. You begin to question whether or not someone you know might stumble upon your little corner of the universe. A part of you fears that you may find yourself judged. You stop writing.
It’s not so bad for a while because you have some people to talk to, other ways of getting your thoughts down. Not to mention that at that point, there’s daylight like all the time and even when there’s not, you’re working nights so you can get up and walk your dog before work without it being creepy and dark on the trails. And that walk and those people, they help you work through the craziness in your head.
Then all that slowly starts to go away.
I’ve got a new job, right? It’s a great job. I really do love it. Sure, like any job it’s got it’s snags but I really do enjoy the feeling of helping people. I had a customer come in the other day… I’ve been helping her with various issues off and on for several weeks now and she comes back in after I’ve helped her with another troubleshoot and she gives me this huge box of chocolates as a thank you. Yeah. I about cried. Why? Because I have some of the best customers.
Anyway. One of the pitfalls is I work during the day. It’s also a perk, but to some degree it’s a pretty big pitfall because I don’t get to take those hour long walks with Luna anymore and it means that I end up struggling to find time to work through all the things I’m trying to juggle. Sometimes, I forget just how important that time was this summer. And those people I’d been talking to, counting on to help give me some advice and support? Yeah, on a lot of levels I feel like my concerns are getting glossed over sometimes in favor of theirs. It makes me a little sad. It puts me in this position where I feel like I have nobody to talk to because my problems just aren’t as important.
The thing is though, they are. Thankfully, one of my biggest sources of stress from the last year is done. Finally. As of the day before Thanksgiving, I am officially divorced. Of course, I still haven’t had a chance to get a copy of the paperwork, let alone go in to the social security office and get my name switched back to my maiden name. Minor problem and inconvenience I suppose.
On the flip side, as the end of the year continues to barrel closer I am now faced with two other, equally large and potentially complicated dilemmas. School and moving out of my brother’s house. I love my brother. I appreciate all that he and Jamie have done for me. But it’s getting to a point where I need to move forward. I know the sort of things I want to continue to do with my life and I can’t do those things if I’m still living with them. But financially, I can’t do both right now. Yes, financial aid will pay for school, but I’m not looking to get that until after winter quarter starts at best. I’d have to pay my tuition out of pocket and be reimbursed. That’s at least a thousand dollars not counting the cost of books and supplies. I’ve run the numbers. Repeatedly. I can’t do both that and rent and still feel comfortable. So the question becomes which is more important to me? School or a place to call mine?
The answer isn’t as complicated as it might seem. I know deep down what it is. More than I want to go back to school, I want to move out of my brother’s house and into the city. There a lot of bonuses to being in the city. One of the biggest? Well, let’s be honest… that’d be the potential ability to see Josh. We haven’t gotten to see each other in close to three weeks now. We still talk a lot via text, but it’s not quite the same as being able to just spend time with one another and let our guards down. Sigh… It’s frustrating. I’m not frustrated with him, just with the situation. That being said, moving… I’m most likely going to need some sort of roommate. The concern is who? Some part of me thinks I have an answer. But it’s a scary one. Josh potentially needs a new roommate. I say potentially but the fact is that he does. Or at least he did as of the last time we got to spend time together.
Damn. My stomach is working itself into knots just thinking about bringing the subject up the next time I get to see him. Being roommates… it just seems like an in person sort of conversation. But the clock is ticking and time is running out for us to have that conversation if it’s going to happen before the end of the year. His semester is finally over but work and his having the plague have done a pretty good job of negating our chances of getting together so far this week.
… I still have so much going on in my head but I’ve got to open tomorrow. I should be sleeping but, instead, I’m waiting for my sheets to dry – I was supposed to be a mid. I should really check them and go to bed. I have to get some sleep.